The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
