Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
