Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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