Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
