I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
