i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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