You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
