Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
