On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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