i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
