Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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