sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
