I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
