you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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