that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
