Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
they need to just BURY HIM!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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