i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
