I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
