just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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