I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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