Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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