i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
