god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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