she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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