I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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