we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
