he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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