so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize