Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
third nipple confirmed
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
