Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
