I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize