dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
