Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
