No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
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