Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
