I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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