tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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