you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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