I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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