Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
