My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize