Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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