you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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