it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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