I think I died a long time ago.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
