In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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