thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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