Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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