And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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