chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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