Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
