I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
