I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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