i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
