my shit smells like andre
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize