Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
