i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
