just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
