Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
